To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE: 5 ways to see who she’s texting

Dear John,

Thanks for sending the article across last night. I’ve just got into the office and given it a quick read; but I’m afraid it’s not quite what we’re after.

Here at MillennialBuzz we give our writers pretty much free rein to write whatever they think the kids are into this nanosecond, but we do have certain content standards we need to stick to.

In particular, I think given the current market trends this article may come across as a little aggressive, maybe even sexist. I can’t take another interview on the British Networking Broadcast. I just can’t.

I’m also pretty sure #4 is completely illegal. We have two ongoing lawsuits, we really don’t need a third.

Could you give it a rehash, or maybe chalk this one up as a loss and write something else?

Many thanks,
Richard Smith

 

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Top 10 Horror Films 2016

Hey Richie!

Got a new one attached. Let me know what you think, I think this one’s flamin!

J

 

 

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE: Top 10 Horror Films 2016

Dear John,

This is definitely more the direction I was thinking. Horror films are making a huge comeback right now, and top 10s go viral every day.

I do have some concerns though. Our target is the 14-20 year old market, and all of these films are 18s. We all know that kids are going to watch them anyway, but I don’t want some parental action group on my back.

I’m also a little worried about the subject matter of some of these films. “Campfire Butchery 4” looks incredibly violent, and “Murderblock 2 – Blood Factory” is actually banned in the UK. Even worse, I think “Alice in Venice” is a snuff film – not the sort of thing we can be seen to promote. Where do you even find these things, John?

This has a lot of promise, please give it a bit of an edit and send it back on. I’d love to see this going up during next week’s Wednesday lull.

Kind regards,
Richard Smith

 

 

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE:RE:Top 10 Horror Films 2016

Come on man, you’re breaking my balls here!

Kids love this stuff! Just pretend it’s more of an adult-sorts article, or give it some shiny big 18+ badge – that’ll really draw the kids in.

Those movies are vital watching! Alice in Venice is fantastic, I won’t hear a word against it!

Please mate, send this on to your web guys. I need to get my name back on the site.

J

 

 

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE:RE:RE: Top 10 Horror Films 2016

Hi John,

I’m honestly sorry, but there’s nothing I can do. I even showed the article to Vanessa, you met her at the Christmas party right? But yeah, she said there’s no way we can publish this. We need at least half the movies to be 15s, and preferably a 12 would be on there too. The snuff rubbish would have to go.

If you’re not comfortable making those changes then I’m afraid MillennialBuzz simply won’t be able to publish this piece. We’d advise you to drop the article and move on to a more suitable topic, if that’s the case.

Best,
Richard

 

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:Top 10 Horror Films 2016

Jeez Rich, you used to be cool. Fine, I’ll shop the horror one round to some other sites. I’ll get something else to you next week.

J

 

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: We Showed This Writer How to Skin a Dog – You Won’t Believe What Happened Next

Rich!

Long time no speak! I did some thinking and tried to work on a video for your new media arm, I reckon it’ll be huge. Let me know what you think, I’ve got loads of other footage if you want a different cut – I can even re-shoot it if you need!

J

 

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Dog Article

John,

Jesus man, what’s wrong with you? Christ, I hope that dog was dead when you found it.

That video was disgusting. My secretary passed my desk when I opened it and he almost threw up. John I think you need to get help, seriously. That video wasn’t right.

I’m sorry, but I’ve forwarded it onto HR. I’m no longer comfortable working with you, best of luck in your career but I don’t want to be involved anymore. Please don’t send me any more articles or videos or whatever the hell you come up with next.

Regards,
Richard Smith

 

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Termination

Dear Mr. Wiles,

I’m writing to inform you that, after an incident involving a video you sent my colleague R. Smith, MillennialBuzz will no longer be doing business with you, or accepting any further spec pitches.

Kind Regards,
Miranda Daly

 

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Dude!

Seriously? You’re freaking firing me? What the hell!!!!!!1!!

Ass. You’ll be sorry.

 

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Articles

Rich, look – I wrote a bunch of articles for you. Please, I need the cash. I’m sorry about the dog thing, I didn’t realise you guys were so sensitive about your video stuff. If I’d known it was all done in-house I woulda sent you a pitch for it instead.

Attached are a bunch of articles, let me know what you think:

Steak! Why Cook It?
Top 5 Unexplained Murders in the UK
10 Weird Ways People Have Lost Limbs in Industrial Accidents
Should I Kill My Editor For Firing Me
Top Tips For Grudge-Stalking
The Best Binoculars 2016
Hunting Knives – Making a Comeback?

J

 

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Articles

Dude, did you get my last email? It’s been a week!

C’mon, some of those articles were great! You musta liked at least one of ‘em!

 

To: r[email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: You OK?

Dude, I haven’t heard from you in, like, 3 months. C’mon, I thought we were at least gonna play tennis on the weekends still. I know you’re mad, can we talk about it?

 

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: You OK?

GOD. Look, I’m sorry!!! I said it, I’m sooooorrry!!!

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Front my next article?

Rich, can you front me £50 for my next article? I’m a little short of cash.

 

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: FW:Front my next article?

RUDE.

 

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: New article

Rich!

I wrote a new article, I’m sure you’ll love this one.

Let me know dude.

J

Attached:

How Long Has My Editor Been in my Freezer? An Investigative Report